For the past few weeks I’ve spent a great deal of time working in an environment with a soundtrack selected by people much younger and hipper than I am. The end result is a series of earworm infestations that have not quite led me to question my own sanity (that ship has long sailed) but rather has led me to random thoughts, which I have decided to share with you. Aren’t you lucky?
I don’t know the names or artists on most of the songs I’m hearing all day, so my references will mainly be to lyrics. If you listen to FM 107.1 in the Boston area, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
*So what is a “shorty,” exactly? I don’t know, but apparently one is on fire on the dance floor. And this “shorty” can also pop and lock like birthday cake.
*The aforementioned “shorty” is also apparently cool, like fire. Which must be no mean feat, or at least no meaning.
*Ah, Justin Bieber. Jailbait for soccer moms, and just the latest aural assault perpetuated by Canada.
*Seriously. Justin Bieber, Celine Dionne, Jim Carey, Mike Meyers; it’s like Canada’s chief export is “annoying.”
*Speaking of annoying, I feel greatly cheated. Eminem was supposed to be retired, dammit.
*There was a time when I thought Eminem was a violent misogynist worthy of scorn. After hearing his latest, I can only muster pity. This is his experience with love? This is what he thinks love is like? That’s just sad.
*Oh look, it’s been twenty minutes. I guess it’s time for someone to call 911 because another “shorty” fire is burning on the dance floor. Ooh whoa.
*So… are all of Kesha’s (sorry; Ke$ha’s) songs about drugs?
*Lady Gaga: She’s like a new wave Madonna, but with talent.
*Gaga also offers a hint to keeping your songs from being overplayed: get every single one of them on the radio at once. That way the DJ won’t have to play the same song six times a day.
*Did you know there’s a She-Wolf in the closet? I keep mine in the garage, myself. She’s not house trained.
*Wait a minute, who let Lady Antebellum in here?
*And the next song features a guy playing a Ukelele and referencing Mr. Mister? Did someone change the station and not tell me?
*Oh good. “Shorty” fire burning on the dance floor again. Much better, or at least more consistent. This station must have a pack-a-day “shorty” habit.
*Always remember: If you can’t sing, just add a Klaxon siren to your song. Klaxon: It’s the new cowbell.
*Seriously, working security at a Ke$ha concert must be a freakin’ nightmare. How can a song like “Take it off” not result in a riot if her fans are half as drug addled as her songs?
*What happened to Julio Iglesias’ son? He used to sing sultry Latin love songs, now he’s singing techno and sampling Lionel Richie.
*”Don’t stop baby, don’t stop baby! I’ve got my balls in a vi-i-ice!”
*Oh good, another “shorty” fire. Did you know the guy who sings this song has done songs for the new Electric Company? According to that song, he used to be a shorty. Which just confuses me more.
* And another “shorty” song, but this one’s different. Apparently this one is like Dy-No-Mite.
*Need a wish right now? Me too. I’m wishing someone would change the station. But my wish doesn’t require a 747.
*Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus: The latest steel-cage match between former Disney tween idols who realize there’s a whole market of perverted old men who can’t wait until one or the other of them turns 18. The winner will be on the cover of Cosmo in about a year. The loser will be on the cover of Playboy in about a decade.
*So let me get this straight: Someone took an awesome, if overplayed Daft Punk song, slowed it down, set rap lyrics to it, and… created a new song that wasn’t nearly as awesome but only took half as long to become overplayed? Well done!
*A song that features the refrain from Madonna’s San Pedro, which includes sampled Michael Jackson tracks. Finally, some originality!
*If your cell phone is so loud that it can interrupt you while dancing at a club, your ringer is too loud.
*Strong bad was right: Anyone who uses “La la’s” in place of legit lyrics is definitely in the bottom ten.
*And no, you don’t get irony points if you sing about being “sick and tired of all the la la la la” before launching into a chorus consisting of nothing but “la la’s.”
*Setting a Rascall Flatts song to a techno beat has the same comedic value of setting a Kid Rock song to a polka beat, with the sole exception being that the latter is at least intentionally funny.
*Maybe hips don’t lie, but I have it on good authority that butts are not so trustworthy, and they tend to do most of the talking.
*Oh, now I get what a “shorty” is. Apparently, a “shorty” is like a melody in your head that goes “la la la la” every day. Thanks for clearing that up.
So that’s what I’ve learned from listening to top 40 hits. I now know that a “shorty” is a highly flammable, if not explosive, MP3 player that goes “la la la la.” I’ve also learned that I prefer my iPod full of songs at least five years old (the last album I bought was in 2005.)
I’ve also learned that pretty much all you have to do to make it to the top forty is to include the words “mister DJ” in your lyrics somewhere, because every third song on the radio seems to specifically address him.
Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have to go find some rapid-release Tylenol.